Paradigms of Romance
Heh. Leave it to me to wax sentimental on relationships shortly after Ryan's post on the more practical/technical aspects of dating.
Many of us have been committed to serious relationships/married for a number of years now, some longer than others, and thankfully, each of our relationships is as unique as the people currently in them. Because of my little recollection in Ryan's post, though, something about my marriage occurred to me, and I wonder a little about it, even though I've already discussed it with Theia.
If there's anything that my track record of relationships (such as they were) has taught me, it's that nothing is certain, that everything is ephemeral, like The Little Prince's flower.
How does this tie into my marriage? Well, it has no affect on my affection for Theia. We didn't conceive two kids by using petri dishes, after all. Neither does it affect my desire to please her; one of my proudest achievements last year was throwing her a birthday party and getting her a cake for the first time since I'd married her (yes, I know; it's embarrassing, isn't it?). And it certainly does not diminish my appreciation for everything she is to me.
Some of you may know that the first few years in law school were not particularly kind. I was all tapped out; I'd basically poured my heart and soul into my college academics and felt I had nothing left to give, and so I was just passing the time and wondering "what's the point?" Whatever had driven me through college had basically run out of gas. I remember standing in the middle of Marawi City or some far flung place like that and wondering "how the **** am I supposed to pass the bar?"
Theia somehow filled that void, even before Apel came along (although he helped too). It's never been more evident than today, the day that I signed the roll of attorneys and became, for the record, and honest-to-God lawyer. I can honestly say I found the courage to hurdle the bar thanks to her.
Oddly enough, though, our marriage doesn't seem to fit the Jerry Maguire -i.e. you complete me- mold. How would I feel if she left the country and took up with some foreign S.O.B.? How would I feel if she died? How would I feel if---well you get the picture. I would be torn apart by it. I would howl and get drunk and do and say a whole bunch of stupid things...and then I'd move on. Not in a crass, Austin Powersish "oh well, I'm single again" way, but I'd move on just the same, with a few drunken anecdotes along the way. I know this for a fact, and although it probably shouldn't bother me, I must confess that it does.
Does this mean I don't love her enough? It seems like an inane question, but I sometimes can't help but wonder how much desperate, maudlin "neediness" is healthy for a relationship, and how much virtual anticipation of the worst is needed as well.
So what is a better manifestation of love, anyway: the clingy kind of person prone to separation anxiety or the hyperpragmatist who, while in love with his/her partner, already has a battleplan mapped out in case of some kind of catastrophe? Is there some kind of middle ground,, or are the two schools of thought just mutually exclusive? Can a guy be clingy and needy and Jerry Maguirish and still imagine life without his Renee Zellwegger?
I'd just like to know what you guys (and girls) think. I don't think there are any right or wrong answers, but I'd like some other perspectives on this.
Many of us have been committed to serious relationships/married for a number of years now, some longer than others, and thankfully, each of our relationships is as unique as the people currently in them. Because of my little recollection in Ryan's post, though, something about my marriage occurred to me, and I wonder a little about it, even though I've already discussed it with Theia.
If there's anything that my track record of relationships (such as they were) has taught me, it's that nothing is certain, that everything is ephemeral, like The Little Prince's flower.
How does this tie into my marriage? Well, it has no affect on my affection for Theia. We didn't conceive two kids by using petri dishes, after all. Neither does it affect my desire to please her; one of my proudest achievements last year was throwing her a birthday party and getting her a cake for the first time since I'd married her (yes, I know; it's embarrassing, isn't it?). And it certainly does not diminish my appreciation for everything she is to me.
Some of you may know that the first few years in law school were not particularly kind. I was all tapped out; I'd basically poured my heart and soul into my college academics and felt I had nothing left to give, and so I was just passing the time and wondering "what's the point?" Whatever had driven me through college had basically run out of gas. I remember standing in the middle of Marawi City or some far flung place like that and wondering "how the **** am I supposed to pass the bar?"
Theia somehow filled that void, even before Apel came along (although he helped too). It's never been more evident than today, the day that I signed the roll of attorneys and became, for the record, and honest-to-God lawyer. I can honestly say I found the courage to hurdle the bar thanks to her.
Oddly enough, though, our marriage doesn't seem to fit the Jerry Maguire -i.e. you complete me- mold. How would I feel if she left the country and took up with some foreign S.O.B.? How would I feel if she died? How would I feel if---well you get the picture. I would be torn apart by it. I would howl and get drunk and do and say a whole bunch of stupid things...and then I'd move on. Not in a crass, Austin Powersish "oh well, I'm single again" way, but I'd move on just the same, with a few drunken anecdotes along the way. I know this for a fact, and although it probably shouldn't bother me, I must confess that it does.
Does this mean I don't love her enough? It seems like an inane question, but I sometimes can't help but wonder how much desperate, maudlin "neediness" is healthy for a relationship, and how much virtual anticipation of the worst is needed as well.
So what is a better manifestation of love, anyway: the clingy kind of person prone to separation anxiety or the hyperpragmatist who, while in love with his/her partner, already has a battleplan mapped out in case of some kind of catastrophe? Is there some kind of middle ground,, or are the two schools of thought just mutually exclusive? Can a guy be clingy and needy and Jerry Maguirish and still imagine life without his Renee Zellwegger?
I'd just like to know what you guys (and girls) think. I don't think there are any right or wrong answers, but I'd like some other perspectives on this.
posted by Jim Arroyo at 9:09 PM
4 Comments:
i don't think women respect a clingy boy-man.
a man they are attracted to is someone who asserts his own reality. this can be someone who is self-destructive or who has his act together.
Icing on the cake is if he's funny, mature, blah blah blah.
Finally, if he's a Good man, then they have someone they should marry.
Jim, take it from a former, self-confessed certified maudlin - love isn't a feeling. It's a choice. Too many people mistakenly believe that being in love with a person means having that euphoric feeling every single day for the rest of your life and that the absence of our loved one will also result in the loss of that sweet feeling we believe is love. That's not actually true for the simple fact that no one can feel the same way about anyone (or anything) constantly every single day for the rest of their lives. It's just not possible. We're not "built" that way - to contribute to your Jerry Maguire-isms ;). That doesn't mean those sweet emotions you have will inevitably erode and disappear over time. It just means that you can't feel the same way all the time.
The best evidence of your love is the consistent choice you make of being together, despite your lover's (and your own) shortcomings. Each and everyone of us has good and bad qualities. That's what makes us more or less equal. And all things being equal, it all really boils down to who you choose to spend the rest of your life with. Everyday, you make that decision, whether you're aware of it or not.
OH SHIT! SINASANIBAN SI TC!!!
Hehe seriously, TC has an excellent point, a point that everyone should tattoo backwards on their forehead.
That and remember this simple maxim: Love is work. You gotta work for your love. You can't take it for granted. At the same time, you have to love the work. It can't be all hardship.
Man, seriously, you are doomed to wonder about it forever but you can just stop wondering now. Trying to understand if you love someone enough, or should love more or less, or this way and that way, usually ruins a good relationship.And asking "What is Love?"-- now,never ask that one because there is no answer. Hundreds of years of poetry, human existence and crap have failed to define love. So, let it be and just love because in the end of it all,it's not even about love:be a good provider and stay faithful to your wife.
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