J-boys in the ether
I met up with two j-boys last year that I had literally not seen in years. One such meeting was by chance, the other by invitation, and while I was glad on both counts, I also found myself saddened on both counts as well.
You all (well, maybe not "all") know that I was the lone 4j representative at Allan Flores' wedding. What you may not all know was that I met up with Jay Duran in Greenhills a month or so before my second crack at the bar exam, only to find out on that very day together with him, that he had failed the medical boards. I think it was his first take. I mention it so casually because in truth, Jay D. was so utterly blase about it. He basically shrugged his shoulders, declared that he would take a week's vacation, and hit the books again.
I originally wanted to make the Jay D. anecdote the focal point (in my own blog) of a piece dealing with how much harder bar examinees have it than anyone else...yadda yadda yadda, but taken in conjunction with the Allan Flores wedding, I wanted to share a comment or two about those of us that seem to have lost interest in maintaining ties with the ongoing party that is 4-J.
Being invited to Allan Flores' wedding was particularly delightful, especially considering that when I attended, there weren't swarms of people (although there was a respectable number). In short, the guy considered enough a part of his life that he wanted us to be there for what is undoubtedly one of the most important moments of that life. He subsequently showed up at TC's party, then has appeared to fade into obscurity again. The thing is, in his case, somehow it's okay. It's clear enough to us that we matter to him. If he doesn't hang out with us, maybe it's for lack of things to say or something like that. Or maybe he's really just busy.
But what about the other guys, I wonder? The guys abroad and in other provinces (James Otayza in Sulu) are understandable, but what about the guys that just up and disappeared? This is not about holding grudges or casting aspersion here, but I genuinely wonder what causes some people to drift away from a group like us. Of all the Ateneo high school classes/sections I've ever heard of, we are among the most close-knit, so I admit to feeling a little slighted when people just up and leave for no apparent reason.
I do confess to being a little resentful of the guys that pop up after so many years just because they've thought up some get-rich quick scheme (Paolo Quimson) or because they want us to give them business (remember Aleth's cafe? Although he later sort of redeemed himself by showing up at Woowoo's wake).
Is our camaraderie something to outgrow? Are they the smart ones? My instinct is, of course, to say no, but I have to confess to being genuinely curious as to why some people, some of whom were even well-enough liked (I don't remember anyone ever getting on Allan Flores' case) just seem to drift away.
You all (well, maybe not "all") know that I was the lone 4j representative at Allan Flores' wedding. What you may not all know was that I met up with Jay Duran in Greenhills a month or so before my second crack at the bar exam, only to find out on that very day together with him, that he had failed the medical boards. I think it was his first take. I mention it so casually because in truth, Jay D. was so utterly blase about it. He basically shrugged his shoulders, declared that he would take a week's vacation, and hit the books again.
I originally wanted to make the Jay D. anecdote the focal point (in my own blog) of a piece dealing with how much harder bar examinees have it than anyone else...yadda yadda yadda, but taken in conjunction with the Allan Flores wedding, I wanted to share a comment or two about those of us that seem to have lost interest in maintaining ties with the ongoing party that is 4-J.
Being invited to Allan Flores' wedding was particularly delightful, especially considering that when I attended, there weren't swarms of people (although there was a respectable number). In short, the guy considered enough a part of his life that he wanted us to be there for what is undoubtedly one of the most important moments of that life. He subsequently showed up at TC's party, then has appeared to fade into obscurity again. The thing is, in his case, somehow it's okay. It's clear enough to us that we matter to him. If he doesn't hang out with us, maybe it's for lack of things to say or something like that. Or maybe he's really just busy.
But what about the other guys, I wonder? The guys abroad and in other provinces (James Otayza in Sulu) are understandable, but what about the guys that just up and disappeared? This is not about holding grudges or casting aspersion here, but I genuinely wonder what causes some people to drift away from a group like us. Of all the Ateneo high school classes/sections I've ever heard of, we are among the most close-knit, so I admit to feeling a little slighted when people just up and leave for no apparent reason.
I do confess to being a little resentful of the guys that pop up after so many years just because they've thought up some get-rich quick scheme (Paolo Quimson) or because they want us to give them business (remember Aleth's cafe? Although he later sort of redeemed himself by showing up at Woowoo's wake).
Is our camaraderie something to outgrow? Are they the smart ones? My instinct is, of course, to say no, but I have to confess to being genuinely curious as to why some people, some of whom were even well-enough liked (I don't remember anyone ever getting on Allan Flores' case) just seem to drift away.
posted by Jim Arroyo at 12:19 PM
10 Comments:
good post, jim.
i think everyone needs friends.
i notice 'older' people who still hang out with their barkada just seem happier.
people without any exhibit a crankiness/or some passive-aggressive trait because they are lonely (i think)
The beauty of 4J is that we all have something to come home too. I like to think that those who don't show up have moved out of the house but will eventually make their way back home somewhere down the road. Some of us have relationships that take priority like Speedy or James (who has been back from Sulu for a while now) or responsibilities to keep (i.e. Allan). Maybe we have to look at it like when Jigs first started hanging out with us again, he had some apprehensions about being accepted because he was away for so long and we had been in close contact the entire time. We just have to keep inviting, and maybe one day, we'll just be pleasantly surprised when one of the prodigal J-boys just ups and knocks on our door.
Too true. The fact is, a number of guys who weren't close to begin with felt they were alienated to begin with. Hence, the initial distance.
Sayang though that I wasn't able to go to Flores' wedding. He was a nice guy and I remember hanging out with him and Jay Duran a lot in HS.
Speaking of JD, hope he's doing okay...
We've never resented it when anyone declines an invitation to a 4J event, even if that person is someone we haven't seen in a long time (like Allan or Beloy). But whenever they do show up, it makes that event so much more fun. I'm sure everyone was delighted to see Allan and Beloy at my birthday party last year. I know I was. I don't think anyone in 4J is deliberately avoiding us. For the most part, they really are unavailable or just too busy.
To me, the bigger question really is: Can we keep this up? Can we still get together regularly or have annual parties when our responsibilities have grown? A lot of us (you guys, I mean :D) are already married and have kids. The fact that 20% are already living and working in another country (we're living proof of that Inquirer headline!) makes this quite patent.
Let's see there's Carlo, Ryan, Bam, John V., Jan, Efty, I figured there were at least ten of us abroad. That would have pegged us at 25%.
Well, one reason for this blog's existence is to be another tie to bind us. Add the yahoo group and website.
And the regular get-together either just to talk, drink, and eat or to do something out of the ordinary.
I can already imagine that we will be doing things like this for decades to come, just as we have done for over a decade already. Not everyone will be there all the time, but there will always be a place to go.
I think we can keep it up because there is so much sense and pleasure in keeping it. We all have different lives and worlds now. But because of our common background, it's easier to relate and share those worlds with each other.
I'm certainly looking forward to more of "the 4J experience" in the decades to come. I guess if we keep doing what we keep doing, we'll keep getting what we keep getting.
One good point that AA keeps raising about 4J is that, for him, the reason why we're still so close is that we don't compete with each other. In our work and careers, each of us works really hard and is fiercely competitive, but when we get together, the swords are sheathed and the guns are put on safe. And neither do we compare our failures and/or successes. We always find the time and make the effort to come together when the times are great or unusually difficult for one of our own. There's certainly going to be much more of that in the coming years and I suppose, so will our times together.
As of last count, the people abroad include: Carlo, Ryan, John, Jan, Bam-Bam, Efren, Jazzy, Paolo, Jay Arteficio. 9 out of 39 or 23%.
Well, if you guys want to let off a bit of steam, we could always go to Dino's LAN cafe and beat on each other. I'm sure he has our old favorite, Counter-Strike.
Yeah! CS! :-p
Hi Boys,
I haven't been responding a lot, whether it be via email or text or blog, but I do cherish the fact that I can find out and keep in touch with you guys via the emails, blogs and the multiply sites of Tini/Conci, Leslie, TC and Dino. This probably isn't the right venue to announce this, but I might get to see you guys before the year ends... I'll let you guys know when we have confirmed the dates...
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