American humor

And who said us Pinoys are the only ones who can make the best Erap/ FPJ jokes around? Oh wait... Bush jokes pala to. (Taken from here.)

Joke 1:

So George is doing yet another photo op at an elementary school, and this one’s been going pretty well, so he offers to take questions. A little boy raises his hand.
“Okay, you,” says George, smiling. “What’s your name?”
“Billy.”
“Billy. And what’s your question?”
“I have three questions,” Billy says. “First, why did you go to war without UN approval? Second, why are you president when Gore got more votes? Third, where’s Osama bin Laden?”
George is taken aback. “Uh, those are really hard questions,” he says.
Just then the bell rings. “Whoops, time for recess!” George says. “Guess I’ll have to answer your questions when recess is over.”
After recess, when the kids have settled back down again, George says “Okay, who’s got a question?”
A little kid raises his hand, and George calls on him.
“What’s your name?” George asks.
“Steve.”
“Okay, Steve. What’s your question?”
“I have five questions,” Steve says. “First, why did you go to war without UN approval? Second, why are you president when Gore got more votes? Third, where’s Osama bin Laden? Fourth, why did the bell for recess ring twenty minutes early? And fifth, what happened to Billy?”

Joke 2:

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Joke 3:

So, anyway, this guy walks into a little cafe in SoHo. There's no one in there but him, the waitress, and two guys over at a far table.
The waitress comes up and says, "What do you want?"
"Some tea and digestive biscuits," he says.
"That's funny," she says, "the two guys over there ordered the same thing."
The guy looks at them, and says, "That's funny, they look a lot like George Bush and Tony Blair!"
That's because they are George Bush and Tony Blair," the waitress says. "They're really friendly guys -- you know those politicians, always glandhanding -- why don't you go over and introduce yourself?"
So the guy goes over to the other table, and George waves a digestive biscuit in the air and says, "Hey! Pull up a chair!"
The guy sits down and says, "Hi, guys, what's up?"
"We're planning to start a war in the Middle East," George says.
"A war in the Middle East?" the guy says. "What's going to happen?"
Tony Blair takes a sip of tea and says, "We're going to kill a hundred thousand Iraqis and a mime."
"A mime!" the guy says. "Why would you want to kill a mime?"
"See?" George asks. "What did I tell you? No one cares about a hundred thousand Iraqis."

Joke 4:

Bush goes over to England and meets with the Queen.
"I've always admired your foreign policy, Your Majesty," Bush says. "The way you handled that Falklands mess... that was great. What's your secret?"
"It's quite simple, really," the Queen says. "I surround myself with clever ministers. Here, let me show you."
She calls Tony Blair in, and says, "Tony, here's a riddle for you. Your father has a child, and your mother has a child. The child isn't your brother, and it isn't your sister. Who is it?"
"It's me, Your Majesty," Tony says.
"Quite right," the Queen says.
George thinks about this, on his way back to Washington. On his arrival, he calls Dick Cheney into his office. "Dick," he says, "I have a question for you. Your father has a child, and your mother has a child. The child isn't your brother, and it isn't your sister. Who is it?"
"I'll get back to you on that," Cheney says.
Cheney calls a meeting with Ashcroft and Rumsfeld, and says to them, "The president asked a question, and I'd like your help on finding the answer. 'Your father has a child, and your mother has a child. The child isn't your brother, and it isn't your sister. Who is it?' Any ideas?"
They think about this, and after a bit Ashcroft says, "Why don't we ask Colin Powell? He's pretty smart."
So Dick Cheney calls Colin Powell up on the phone and says, "Your father has a child, and your mother has a child. The child isn't your brother, and it isn't your sister. Who is it?"
"That's easy," Powell says, "It's me."
"Thanks, Colin," Cheney says, and goes immediately back to the Oval Office.
"I have an answer for you," Cheney says to Bush. "It's Colin Powell."
"No, no, you fool," Bush says. "It's Tony Blair."

Joke 5:

One day during show & tell, a little girl stands up in front of her class and says, "My cat just had a litter of kittens, and every one of them is a Republican!"
Her teacher thinks this is just too cute for words, so a month later, when George is doing a photo op at the school, the teacher prompts the girl to talk about her pets.
"My cat had a litter of kittens," the girl says, "and every one of them is a Democrat."
"What?" says her teacher, horribly embarrassed. "Last month, you said they were all Republicans!"
"Well, yeah," says the little girl; "but since then, their eyes have opened."

Joke 6: (I like this one.)

Bush and one of his Secret Service bodyguards have gone cycling in his ranch and suddenly Bush falls down and lies unmoving. The bodyguard panics and calls his Emergency number on his radio.
"Help! I think the President is dead!"
A calm voice drawls out: "OK, son, cool down. First things first. Make damn sure the President if really dead."
A shot rings out. The bodyguard comes on line again.
"Ok. Done. What now?"

Joke 7:

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.
Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks.
Abe answers: "Go see a play."

Joke 8:

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
"370HSSV-0773H".
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, on then to the NSA, then to the Secret Service.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually sked Australias ASIO for help.
ASIO cabled the White House as follows: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

Hehehe. Dedicated to the 4J guys in the US...